One word. One meaning. One experience.
College.
The one word that single handedly altered my entire high school experience.
Before starting high school, the concept of college felt like a fantasy, something I only ever heard of and something that I couldn’t fathom experiencing, because it felt like it would never actually happen. Upon my decision to attend La Salle, I remember my mom telling me that La Salle will help me prepare for college and provide me with the tools to feel ready to pursue whatever it may be that I choose to do after high school.
And despite knowing that I was attending a college preparatory school, those few simple sentences referring to college felt foreign to me.
As a freshman, I quickly realized that nobody was thinking about college. I had made assumptions prior to school starting that because it says “college” in our school name it would be a primary focus in classes. Luckily, the year came to a close and the concept of college never crossed my mind again.
During my sophomore year, I felt a drastic change in my understanding about what college was. I was never deliberately told that I must go to college, but I had always known that my mom was set on my sister and I attending, even if she never vocalized it. We were also aware that we were fortunate enough to even consider the option of going to college.
That same year, my sister was a senior going through the process of college applications and wrestling with different possible majors and career paths. Subsequently, the majority of the conversations being had in my house at this time revolved around college.
Whether it was conversations about college visits, meeting with the college counselors, the cost of college, stress caused by the pressure of maintaining good grades in order to be accepted, or debating what to study, the entire process felt immensely overwhelming.
Due to what felt like never ending discussions — and occasionally arguments — about college and applications between my mom and sister, I found myself stressing about what I was going to do after high school.
My sister, being the oldest, was the first child in my family to experience the college application process, and despite her feeling excited and ready to embark on the next chapter of her life, all I could think about was how my fantasy of what college would be was completely and utterly false. I was riddled with confusion because I watched my sister fill with excitement as she was choosing her college — despite feeling stressed out, worried, and most likely scared of what was to come next, she confidently made her decision and held herself with purpose, never letting anyone question her. She was so aware of what she wanted, why she wanted it, and how she was going to create the change for what she wanted.
I envied her.
This made me suddenly realize I had not one single interest that fulfilled me enough to want to study or pursue it in college, let alone have it become my career.
I struggled to understand my emotions because I knew that all of the stress I was feeling was self-inflicted. I knew that I was far too young and immature to make a decision that would heavily impact the start to my adult life, yet I still self-induced constant worrying and anger with myself for having a lack of passionate pursuits, which ideally would help influence and guide me to fulfill a purpose in life.
In my sister, I saw a glimpse of the dedication, drive, and determination that appeared necessary for attending college and I started to believe it wasn’t attainable for myself. With previously never thinking about college, my grades, attendance, and lack of participation within the school community reflected why I presumed colleges would not accept me.
After coming to my own conclusion that I wouldn’t get accepted to college, I abruptly changed my mindset about all of it. I had decided I would not attend a four year university and that later on in high school, when it is appropriate to worry about the future, I would figure out what the next step would be. Whether it was potentially attending a community college, taking a gap year, traveling, or even just finding a well paying job and giving myself a break from a school environment, anything sounded better than college.
I not only just didn’t want to go to college — I grew to hate it. The things that I grew up dreaming of, like living in a dorm room and creating lifelong friendships through the uniqueness of the college experience, just disappeared.
I found comfort in my choices for quite some time, and even though I was still only sixteen years old and believed that I was one of — if not the only — sophomore suffocating from the unknown of what the future is, I was relieved to finally feel content in my mind.
As junior year started, I was prepared for the discussions about college to swarm the hallways and classrooms. Everyone always says that junior year is the most important year because colleges closely evaluate your progression or regression from the past two years, which evidently made many of my classmates have college on the forefront of their academic minds.
The first semester came with a heavy workload and the dire need to leave high school. My sister, who made the decision to attend Loyola University Chicago, was no help to my discontented reality as she seemed to be living a life I desperately dreamed of.
At the end of first semester, I once again found myself questioning the path I chose for my future. I watched my sister move halfway across the country as a four year college student and live out a life the two of us could have never dreamed of as children. Her school did not represent the “typical” small town, big school, large student body college experience because it resided in one of the biggest cities in our country, evidently creating an entirely different college experience.
At the beginning of the second semester I finally accepted having conversations about my future. Through witnessing my sister adapt and love her new environment — while also discovering self growth and clarity from the previous year, which tainted my outlook on life and clouded my judgment — I knew that I desperately needed structure to my life potentially in the form of college.
It wasn’t until this time that I finally felt as if I was thinking and acting with a clear head. I was still completely clueless about my future and career, but I was able to discern what was right and wrong for myself. I was quick to realize that despite wanting to travel or take a gap year, if I ever did it I would never go back to school. I understood the importance of structure in my life and that without it I lack productivity, motivation, and the genuine desire to seek fulfillment.
Upon understanding my need for structure, the concept of college appeared again, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the need to talk about it with a negative connotation. I found myself getting back the excitement of not just anticipating graduating but being excited about what my future holds for me.
I am now a senior, beginning not only my last semester of senior year, but my last semester of high school. When I look back on the past three years of my life I am saddened knowing that so much of my time was spent on worrying and battling the thoughts in my head. My entire sophomore year I exhausted myself with persistent thoughts of not having a career path, which ended up diluting all of my hopes and dreams for the future.
I am forever grateful for every year of high school. Each one has provided me with a clarity that has led me to eventually deciding to attend college and feeling genuine happiness and comfort in my decision.
Throughout the confusion and uncertainty of college, there was one constant in my situation. For as long as I can remember, the only thing my dad has ever said about my future is “do something you actually enjoy doing.” As simple as it sounds, those words have and continue to impact my life every day. I finally am able to relax knowing that I am undecided and unsure of what I want to study in college. And until I find the job and career that fuels a fire of passion inside me, I will get to live out the experience of a college student and fulfill my dreams for my younger self.
Before high school, college was just a word: it had no significance, no interpretation, no understanding, no nothing.
As I begin the closing chapter of my high school career, the word “college” now means everything but just a single word. Not only does it represent the change and personal growth that I have endured over my high school years, it represents the ability for all of us to have our own unique experiences with our futures. There is no one single meaning or experience that college provides — that’s the beauty of it, as it provides us the opportunity to create our meaning and experiences in life.
