For as long as I could remember, I thought that my grades determined my self-worth. 

Getting good grades has always been — ever since I was in elementary school — my number one priority. I poured myself into my schoolwork, telling myself that good grades were the most important thing in my life because for me, it was. 

I always felt pressure from myself and others to be perfect, to have straight A’s, and to be the role model student. I told myself that if I did not meet these standards, then I was a failure; I was just not good enough.

I have always had the need for academic validation, as if my A’s alone declared whether or not I was smart enough. I spent all my time studying, memorizing, and working, even when I felt drained. 

I did not merely want a good grade; I needed a good grade to show myself that I was acceptable. 

This “good grades only” mindset has been how I’ve lived my life until now, and honestly, it’s been exhausting physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

The pursuit of perfection has caused me to constantly be filled with stress, anxiety, and frustration. 

In the beginning, however, it was not so bad. In elementary school, academics came naturally to me, so I never saw how harmful this mindset was. It was not until middle school when I started struggling with my schoolwork that I began seeing the effects. 

I had been told for so long that I was “bright” and “gifted,” so when I did not earn an A on an assignment or test, I thought that I was lesser than my peers. I assumed that my failure to get what I told myself was the only acceptable grade — an A — meant that I was a failure. 

After getting into high school, it got even worse. 

As the homework, tests, projects, and quizzes piled up, so did the stress to aim for perfection and straight A’s. 

I put school before everything — sleep, my mental and physical health, and time with my loved ones. I became burnt out, working so hard to reach an impossible standard that I set. 

Nights spent staying up until 2 a.m., having mental breakdowns, and spending all of my free time sitting at my desk studying all weekend are just some of the many things that I did when trying to reach that standard, but I thought it was all worth it if I got that A. 

Everything changed though my junior year when I got my first D on my AP Calculus AB test. Even though I knew that this was a hard class, getting that exam handed back to me confirmed that I was just not a good enough student. 

Seeing that letter grade for the first time made me want to take irrational actions such as crying and comparing myself to everyone else in the class who was doing well. 

Looking back now, I see how dramatic I was, but at that moment, I thought that all of my hard work had gone to waste. 

I was positive that I was never going to be good at math, and that I was never going to be that student I could be proud of again. 

I was crushed. 

I thought there was no way I was going to get into my dream college, there was no way that any teachers thought I was smart, and there was no way I had what it took to be enough for myself or anyone around me. 

I was afraid of being seen as just an “okay” student. The thought that I wasn’t as perfect anymore made me feel like I let myself down. I felt like a disappointment to myself, believing my worth was tied to my grades, as if a number could define who I was.  

But after taking time to reflect on myself and my grades over the summer and the past semester, I began to ask myself why I put so much value into my grades, just like many of my peers do. 

Many students in our community set too high of a standard for ourselves, meaning that when we fall short, we feel like the wind has been knocked out of us. 

I saw myself and others become so emotionally exhausted and burnt out while striving for a grade that I wondered what we were working for: a grade or an education?

I started to recognize that many people fear not getting a good grade so much that we begin to forget that we are students trying to learn, not be perfect.

Rather than aiming for perfection, effort and progress are equally important accomplishments that we should be proud of. School should be a place where we can make mistakes and learn how to improve our knowledge. 

It is okay to be proud of your grades no matter what they are because you’ve worked hard for them. But we cannot forget to also be proud of everything else that makes up who we are as students and who we are as a whole person because our grades are not our whole identity.

In the future, even if I do not achieve the grade I wanted, I have to remember all the hours and effort that I spent trying to learn and study because that matters as well. I also have to remember that this little letter on my report card does not reflect my whole self. 

It’s not easy, but by accepting the fact that grades are just one of the many factors that contribute to your achievement, you can learn to have a deeper appreciation for all the things about yourself.